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Log Series: Six Months Jane's In The Thick of Things Lieutenant j.g. Behr and Lieutenant j.g. Vasari (Note: This series takes place immediately following the Koan plot.)
Bel'mara was paradise in the best ways. The weather was temperate, allowing for long walks while wearing a simple light sweater. The program was intense, the young medical professionals seemingly carried the same mentality. Ambition and confidence had many proclaiming they were the best. Friendships were forged, but mostly to keep the competition close. The hours were long, sleep considered a weakness to be overcome. When they weren't studying, the residents were operating or tending to patients or simply working on their logs. There was always the constant threat of a surprise test.
Jane kept to herself for the most part. Surrounded by so many Type A personalities, she suddenly found herself unable to push past her introverted nature. It was difficult without Lukas, who so easily pulled her out of her own head. She was true to her word, writing the German every other day. The letters were short as she filled the file with general information regarding her duties or the people who participated in the program with her. The twenty minutes she spent focused on keeping in touch did wonders to keep her from feeling overwhelmed, and the Italian woman finally had an inkling of regret for how she had wasted her Academy days by focusing so much on her studies.
She could have easily spent a little more time socializing and attending parties. The work was always going to be there, and her grades wouldn't have suffered. The same couldn't be said for her residency. There was no time to fully decompress. She was always on the go, always fighting to be considered the best, always learning new techniques and pushing the boundaries of her limits. Gods, how she wish she could go back to the Academy and smack some sense into herself.
Regret was a funny feeling.
The threat of burning out of the intensive program reared its ugly head around the second month, and it certainly didn't help when the operations officer mentioned a woman in his letters.
The uncomfortable feeling lingered. Lukas mentioned the Therese woman far more than anyone in his past. She didn't want to call the emotion jealousy because she wasn't the jealous type, but there was a sense of possessiveness that she couldn't quite understand. The German, Jane told herself, was more than free to date. They were friends, having survived the awkward confusion that had nearly ended their friendship before it began when they were nothing more than cadets.
Before the start of the third month, the pressure became too great and she finally found comfort with the help of one of the physicians on staff - a rather talented general surgeon. Philip Mayer had beautiful blue eyes that reminded her of her best friend, but that was where the similarities ended. There was no conversation, no exchange of personal details. It was simply physical. The attending was only eight years her senior.
She told the operations officer about the physician and exaggerated her excitement. Jane simply didn't want Lukas to think that she was jealous of Therese Bjornsen.
She wasn't. It was what she told herself over and over and over again.
It struck her as odd that she essentially had the same arrangement with Philip as she had once with Lukas, but it was severely lacking. There was no spark, no passion. There was no emotion.
Besides, Philip was a little too full of himself.
Jane quickly realized that she'd been entirely wrong about the German, that she'd been fooling herself into believing that the three months they spent had been nothing more than fun.
Lukas Mikel Behr had been right. They had been dating. He was wonderful and she had thrown away a perfectly good relationship without realizing it. Jane couldn't even blame him for moving on with his life. If anyone deserved to be happy, it was the sweet and thoughtful German boy who had tripped over her legs that fateful day.
Regret really was a horribly cold emotion.
She ended the arrangement with Philip after their fifth time together. The mess they caused in the storage closet landed her on scut for two weeks. Grunt work was normally reserved for interns, not highly trained residents. Her peers looked at her with derision, and there were some rumours about her place in the program being earned simply because she had gotten involved with an attending.
Jane knew better, but she simply viewed it as a consequence for the many horrible decisions she'd made in her life.
By the fourth month, her letters nearly stopped. She couldn't stand the idea of Lukas living with someone else. He mentioned he'd taken Therese's couch, but Jane wasn't sure she could believe it. If she was the Norwegian, she would have joined the German in the couch every night.
She managed to keep her letters light for his benefit. What sort of friend was she if she couldn't be happy that he had met a woman who gave him safe harbor from the terrible neighbours who surrounded his quarters?
…€Â˜Be a good friend. Be a good friend. Be a good friend,' she reminded herself as she neared Outpost Phoenix. The transport was only two hours away from the planet, and Jane found herself absolutely lost with a mixture of anticipation and dread. She prepared herself for the worse - Lukas was dating Therese, he was living with Therese, he was in love with Therese.
Lukas was in love with Therese and they were going to get married and have babies and- She was going to be a talented neurological surgeon who was going to die an old maid.
Jane really hated regret.