[WARNING: Wide character in print at board.cgi line 1367. ]
USS Excelsior Logs and Narratives
||The brave crew of the USS Excelsior posts their official duty logs and creative personal logs along with intriguing stories for history to review. Excel Website|
|LtJG Helen Waite & First Lieutenant Peter McMillian, SD|
Login Cancel Login
These events take place immediately after the events of last sim.
Peter was seriously confused. One minute there a really mean version hitting on Helen while belittling him. The Next, he is congratulating him. Helen had just told he won he’d beaten him he’d beaten his fears but something inside him said he wasn't done. He shrugged the feeling off and looked at Helen saying “I think it's time to go.”
“Something’s not right, Pete. I don’t think he’s finished toying with us yet.” Helen told him, a frown forming on her face.
Peter got ready to leave the mindscape but either his mind or Helen’s was interfering at the moment, neither one could leave. “Helen, why can’t we leave?”
“We might have defeated one aspect of the problem you have, my friend, but there are as many facets to it as there are to a diamond set in an engagement ring, and I think we need to work through them all before we can get out of here.” She was frustrated that something was blocking Pete’s recovery from all the headgames that he’d been going through already. Although they had managed to get through some, it seemed they had a long way still to go.
In a few moments, they got an answer in the version of Captain Holden except it wasn’t, he was too perfect, too tidy, almost the perfect starfleet officer to a tee.
“Now, Mr. McMillian, I gave you an order. Did you forget?”
Out of habit, they stood at attention and Pete answered “No sir, I haven't.”
“Then, Mr. McMillian, kindly repeat my order.”
McMillian timidly answered. “You ordered me to get my head back into the game sir.”
“That is correct, tell me do you think facing down your anger and rage is enough to get you back on my bridge.”
“No, sir, I guess not. I’m just not sure where to go next.”
“Well then, if you can’t answer that, neither of you will leave. More importantly, you will never get back to the bridge, Chief Tactical officer Lt Peter McMillian, or do you like being confined to the Armory.”
“I don’t understand, sir, are you keeping us here?”
“I think he’s saying that we have to find our way out of this by dealing with all the problems that brought us to this point. You know I’ll not desert you in this,I gave you my word and I don’t go back on that if I can help it.” She told him. “Besides, I don’t think that IS the Captain, but your imagination’s idealization as the main authority figure here.”
“She’s quite right, you know, I’m not really Holden. I’m Your Duty, Honor, I’m you representation of a Starfleet Officer,” the Not Holden told Pete.
“This is crazy. Helen, what the heck is going on? First Anger, now Duty, what am I trying to tell myself?”
“Only you can answer that, but might I suggest looking around maybe you'll find what you seek, after all this your mind,” the not Holden told him, being as cryptic as ever.
“I THINK we’re stuck here till you’ve thrashed it out with everything that you feel is inadequate in yourself and are working on trying to find your way back to what you see as the ideal YOU with all the inadequacies left behind.”
“Well I guess you're right, we're stuck here, might as well see what's next.” So the two of them kept walking, a part of each feeling safe knowing the other is there with you and making you feel like it's gonna be ok. Not sure if her telepathy and empathy skills as a Betazoid or if it's just he'd feel comfortable around her either way they kept exploring this eden in his head.
After a few minutes, he was standing before his worst nightmare.
Taz and Tvalra standing in garden all the way on the left side In the middle he sees a pregnant Kalendra and a version of Helen standing to her right in the middle. And On the far right he sees triplets, all girls
“No, no, no, no!! Do I even have to guess who you are?”
“Let me guess Taz, Talvara, who is dead, by the way, can’t possibly be here, are my past”
“You two lovely ladies are my present”
Then he looked at the three triplets who are all about 6 or 7 “you three must be my future.”
One of the girl who had an uncanny similarity to Helen looked right at her and asked “Mommy, why is daddy being so weird?”
“Daddy’s trying to figure some things out about himself, and he’s needing to talk to all of us to do so.” Helen told the girl who called her ‘Mommy.’
Peter couldn’t deal with that revelation at moment so he went to the ladies of his past. Looked them square in the eye.
“Taz, I’m am sorry, I wasn't man enough to keep you happy and I’m sorry that things happened the way they did but I wasn’t ready, neither were you.”
Then switching to Talvara. “My love, my beautiful warrior wife, I miss you so terribly and I’m sorry I couldn't save you.”
Taz and Talvara spoke to him in a kind of a sing song way of speaking.
“We know but we are your past, we are what was. Until you can truly forgive yourself and accept that stuff happened and that my death is not your fault, you can't truly live in the present. For starters," Taz answered. “You need to tell me how you truly feel, your love for me denied you this feeling but I know it's there. I am the one who made a deal to let our daughter go home. I am the one who stopped you when you wanted to rescue her and I am the one who let her go. I didn't even bother to look. You must have feelings about that.” Taz told him.
“What do you want me to say “I hate you”? No, I never could hate you. Want me to say you letting Rose go damaged our relationship? I don't know. Can I ever forgive you? I don't know.”
Middle Helen looked over at the other women “Speak for yourself, ladies, I plan on making him mine and forgetting all about you two I will give him something not even Kalendra can give him youth, vigor... I will make a real man out him, then.” She then winked at her counterpart who was being as supportive as possible for Pete.
“Helen, I’m so so sorry, I don't know who she is, I swear I don't see you this way.
Helen was almost the shade of a dark red brick between embarrassment and wanting to bust her doppleganger a good one in the chops to wipe off that smug smirk from her face.
The Little Future girl says “Yes, he does, that’s why I’m here.”
The other two chime in “hey daddy what about us? We were born first, why is she so special?”
Not really knowing why, he just smiled and laughed at the craziness and said to all three girls.“Listen I don't know any of you yet but any father would be insane to not love you. You’re all very beautiful and smart looking young ladies. What are your names, little ones?”
The first one said “My name is Mary” The second one replied “My name is Rose, don't you remember daddy? You named me after Rose to honor her.” The Future Helen said “Daddy you named me after Talvara to honor her and you tell me about her all the time when I grow up I wanna a warrior just like she was.”
Taz spoke up, “you see, your past affects everything even the future those girls may exist or may not but until you truly accept your past as just that the past it will haunt you forever.”
“I am not your wife anymore.”
“Me Either, I am dead but we are and always will be with you.”Talvara told him
Then a third woman also appeared, looking like Taz but about the age of Kalendra or Helen.
“Even me, Daddy, I hear you every day, crying out for me.”
“Rose, my baby”
“Daddy, it’s ok, I know, I’m here”
“But Daddy, it’s time. Look. Look at those two women. One is carrying twins, one who right now needs you to be her strength, needs you to be her joy, needs you to be her husband.”
“The other, yes, daddy, I know you dream about her, why do you think shes here?”
Blushing he said “no, I don’t.”
Helen was wondering about that dream series he had but would never dare say anything to him about them unless HE brought it up.
“Daddy, It’s Ok. I’m in my universe now with my mother and my father, he's like you kind, caring but if anyone screws with me, he will kill them in a heartbeat. I miss you too, daddy, but it’s time to let me go. Forgiving mother is a start but you have to let me go.”
“How can I forgive her? she took you from me.”
She got all stern just like her mother. “You know Damn well mother didn't have a choice, just because she's not like you, a 35 year old male who expresses his feeling all the time, doesn't mean she didn’t doesn’t grieve for me, too. Now, Daddy, Please if you keep holding onto me and your past, You won't be able to see the present or the the future.”
Then she pointed to Present Kalendra and Helen, and then pointed to the children.
For a moment, Peter thought and went to his beautiful daughter. And hugged her.
“Baby I’m not sure I can, I miss you I need you.” He started crying in her arms.
As she held him, she told him “It’s ok daddy, let it out. Letting me go doesn't mean forgetting me, I’m here in your mind as I always will be. I and the part of Rose that is in you. But if you keep longing for me and holding on to me, you may lose them.”
Kalendra and Helen screamed in unison “Pete, no!!!”
Then the three girls “Why, daddy, don’t you love us?”
Suddenly almost everyone except Helen, Rose and Pete disappeared.
“I don't understand,” Peter said, still holding his daughter, crying.”WHY?!?”
“Daddy, shush now, it’s ok, just listen, I need to go and you need to let me stop looking for me and see me I’m everywhere and if you ever need to talk, I’m right here but for now, Daddy, please let me go and live. Look beside you, Look to that insane gorgeous woman,” Rose sexily winked at her. “She is here with you right now, not cause she has to, but because she wants to.”
“Seriously, Helen, even my own daughter flirts with you, what am I not seeing?”
“I think she sees you looking at me like another potential mate.” Helen blushed a deep crimson. “Pete I care for you as a friend and a brother, I don’t think it would work out otherwise, especially with Kalendra in the picture.”
“Daddy I am here and always will be, but it’s time. Your wife needs you and that hot goddess next to you needs you as well.” She hugged her father lovingly one more time before blowing Helen a sexy kiss goodbye.
Then she too disappeared.
Peter started wailing as he held Helen “I don’t, I don’t, I don’t understand!!”
Helen held him close to her and stroked his hair. “Did you ever see a really cheesy Disney film called ‘Frozen’? I think you’re just gonna have to follow the advice of the showstopper tune in there…” She smiled to him gently as she began singing her own fractured version of it. “The stars glow white through the viewscreen tonight
Not a Borg cube to be seen
A galaxy of contemplation
And my mind will just me ream
Emotions are howling like a hurricane inside
Couldn't keep it in;
Heaven knows I've tried
Don't let them in,don't let them see
Be the officer you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel,don't let them know
Well now they know
Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away, slam and lock the door
I don't care what they're going to say
Let the stars rage on.
The brass never bothered me anyway
It's funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can't get to me at all
It's time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me,
Let it go, let it go
I am one with the stars and space
Let it go, let it go
My trials, I will face
Here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the stars rage on
My Anger’s gone like it’s seeped into the ground
My Duty’s chasing me like a playful coon hound
And one thought crystallizes like a cosmic blast
I'm never going back, the past is in the past
Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That old darkness is gone
Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the stars rage on
The past won’t bother me after today!”
She just smiled and tweaked his nose, letting him know she’d be there always for him, bratty sister at her best.
Peter let out a small laugh, still saddened but that song did move him but at this point couldn't admit it. He didn't wanna lose what he felt was the last glimmer of dignity he had left.
Finally a last Image showed up, his daughter Malinda. She looked at him all sweet and innocent. “I’m sorry I had to put you through this daddy. Even though I look it, I am also not real. I am for lack of a better term, balance.”
Peter then asked, “but how? You’re my child.”
“True but you see me even now you see me as someone who has control of herself and capabilities just like mother. But as I was saying I’m sorry I had to do this to you. I never intended to cause you more pain but I knew you were ready and I know how stubborn you can be so I kind of felt I had to force the issue cause I know you wouldn't have been able to do it otherwise, I’m sorry.”
“But Why?” was all he could ask.
“Because Daddy as long as all this goes on, you can’t be in balance and, well, balance is my job. Everything you are everything you feel, everything that makes you, well, YOU, is better now but laughing slightly. I know you daddy this is an awful lot to process.”
Then looking to Helen, Malinda said “I am sorry I dragged you into this as well but daddy can be kinda hard headed. You two can both leave now, however, he more than likely will need your help to process this. I can sense he still has no idea what is going on. Can you help him?”
“Of course.”Helen smiled. ”But Kinda Hard Headed? Isn’t that something along the lines of saying that Kalendra’s Kinda Pregnant?” Her eyes danced with mischief, trying to keep Pete from slipping back into that mental fugue of his. ”Or saying that a Brickar’s a real hard-@?”
Peter gently grabbed Helen’s arms trying not to think about anything, cause at the moment he felt like he’s on an informational and emotional overload. Then he broke the meditative state to find Mini Mav trying to lick both him and Helen awake.He looked at Mav and said “It’s ok, boy, we’re back.” Then to Helen. “I can’t right now, I know we need to talk about this but I need a few days to process this. Can you forgive me?”
Helen nodded. ”Of course, Pete, I’ll forgive you, BUT, I don’t think you need to be alone right now. You still seem somewhat fragile to me and we don’t need to talk about anything till you’re ready, other than maybe what to have for dinner. I was thinking of Chicken Parmigiana, Fettuccine Alfredo, minestrone soup, cumin spiced artichokes, green beans in coriander sauce, wine poached pears, garlic toast and watercress salad with spumoni and tiramisu for dessert.”
Peter wasn't really in a eating mood but listened as she described the meal and it sounded yummy So he looked at Helen and asked “Sounds Delicious, when you wanna eat?”
She glanced at her chronometer.”Well it’s 1500 now, how about 1945? That will give me time to get everything ready from about 1530 on for us to drive the rest of the crew crazy with the scents.”
That comment brought back some life to Peter’s face he couldn’t help but laugh “You’re evil, you know that, I like it though, sounds fun, I’ll be there. Though I know this might seem odd, but can I bring Kalendra around? I have this odd feeling like I’ve been neglecting her.”
“Of course, and the kids as well. The Italians are really big on family and I think yours has been splintered more than enough and it also needs to heal even as you do. So if me being in the kitchen can help facilitate that… then all the better.” She told him with a smile.
Peter and Helen then spent the rest of the duty shift playing with Mav and doing whatever they could think of at the moment to try to keep Pete’s mind off all that just happened.